Gnomes – An even “shorter” story

Every Tuesday, we chortle in sadistic glee as Varialyta attempts to compress a complex story into 500 words or less for the consumption of the Ritalin generation. This week’s topic: Gnomes (snicker)

Gnomes take up less space than dwarves. This is true not only because their stature is even more diminutive than their cousins’ (hard to believe, I know!), but because their recorded history is even sparser.

“Cousins,” you ask? “You mean they’re related?” Continue reading

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Hiatus

So I haven’t posted anything in a few days.

Which is mainly because on Wednesday night my computer decided to commit suicide. It’s fixed now, but with Christmas just around the corner I can’t say I’ll be posting at all this week, and after Christmas I’ll be going out of town for two weeks.

So the blog is on hiatus til mid-January. I’d hope that in three weeks time I can think of something witty and insightful enough to make up for the long absence.

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Tauren, the Benevolent Bovines

Every Tuesday, we chortle in sadistic glee as Varialyta attempts to compress a complex story into 500 words or less for the consumption of the Ritalin generation. This week’s topic: Taurens

Tauren history is a bit mysterious.  The beginning of their written history is relatively recent.  Instead, their story is one handed down in oral tradition.  Summaries of their key ancient stories can actually be read in-game in Thunder Bluff in the large tent on Elder Rise.  There are “scrolls”–actually what appear to be large decorated hides–around the walls of the tent.  Here’s a brief summary of those scrolls, along with more recent updates. Continue reading

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Simple Questions/Simple Answers

Every Monday, we answer a basic question about the game using as few words as possible. Send questions for next Monday here.

Question: I just hit level cap, what do I do now?

Answer: Although everyone quests a lot on the way to 85, the game opens up a lot once you hit max level. What is it you want to do  in WoW? If you want to raid, you should start running dungeons to get gear, as well as taking a look at the reputation vendors to see if they have any upgrades. If you want to PvP you should start doing Tol Barad and battlegrounds for honor, as well as considering getting the crafted starter PvP gear and looking around for arena/rated battleground groups. If you just want to explore, consider playing around with archaeology. The answer’s different for everyone.

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Bad Idea Friday: Buying Gold

Bad Idea Fridays are dedicated to the idea that if you’re going to do something (no matter how ill advised), it’s best to do it properly. Any and all consequences of following the advice in this article can be blamed on Poras.

Cataclysm is upon us! The perfect time to start playing WoW and show the world your inherent awesomeness when you roll your worgen druid named Cuddles. You’ve been playing about fifteen minutes, when a problem occurs. You’re out of bag space.

What a stupid game. Who wants to be held back by limited bag space.

Before deleting your character and quitting the game, you are sure to proclaim loudly in general chat how bad this game sucks and how everyone else is an idiot for playing. Most of the replies you get are clearly from Blizzard fanboys who tell you to quit the game. (You were already, suckers!) But one reasonable person whispers you telling you to go buy more bags off the auction house.

So you make your way to Stormwind to check out this auction house. There are indeed lots of bags on the auction house. However, they’re all 75 gold, and you have 7 silver. Someone posted a couple six slot bags for 3 silver each, but that’s clearly ridiculous. Cuddles deserves nothing less than the best!

Browsing further into the auction house, you discover that not only are there bags, but there’s gear too. Cuddles can be decked out in the finest Azeroth has to offer for the mere price of a few hundred gold. There’s vanity pets too, and some cooking recipes that you should probably buy since eventually Cuddles will be a vegetarian chef.

Clearly you need gold, and lots of it. You start running around Stormwind whispering people asking for gold. They’re all much higher level than you so can definitely spare some. They’re very rude in response, telling you to go quest. One person gives you 1g, which clearly isn’t even close to enough for what you need. When you point that out to him, he seems to get very irritated. People are so rude these days.

But then you get a whisper. A nice person by the name of awsst wants to sell you some gold. He offers you 5000g for a very reasonable price. This is what you’re talking about. When he directs you to the website, you recognize the name. Some dead mages were spelling out the address with their corpse outside the auction house. What clever advertising. This is clearly an organization you can trust.

So you go to the website and give them your credit card info and buy the gold. You buy 10,000 gold and pat yourself on the back for being cleverer than all those other scrubs who are questing for gold.

Two days later, you get a call from your bank asking if you would like to buy overdraft protection, since you have withdrawn more funds than you have. Confused, you take a look at your bank account to discover that someone has stolen your credit card info and made large amounts of electronic purchases for the last two days. What a terrible bank. They can’t even protect you from theft. You inform the bank that you will be transferring your account to a bank that actually does their job.

You then call Blizzard to inform them that you’ll be paying with a new bank account, but the rep on the phone informs you it’s unnecessary, since your account has been banned for violating the Terms of Service.

What a terrible game. You didn’t even want to play anyway.

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Definition of the Week: Distraction

Every Thursday, we try to forcibly educate the WoW populace about frequently misunderstood and/or misused terminology. Except yesterday Reni hit 85 and her brain isn’t capable with coming up with a definition of anything beyond: “OMG EPIX”

Come back next week for a real definition.

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Storeytime: Tale of a Noob

Every Wednesday, a self-absorbed writer posts an article of virtually no interest to anyone but themselves, under the vague catchall of “Storytime!”

Phase 1: We had pooled some money together and bought a laptop. Looking back now, it was a piece of shit, but we thought it was pretty sweet. My friend at the time was playing Final Fantasy online he introduced me to the game. I picked up a copy and played it a little on and off. Then I moved and found myself caught up in work, 12 hour days 6 days a week, games were not a priority. If I found the time to make dinner, wash laundry, or buy groceries I was lucky. My brother however, made good use of my FFXI account, playing it every day and night.. He explored a world that I never got the chance to. He discovered the beauty of the MMORPG, this would later result in my re-introduction to the genre. He had also discovered online communication via messaging and email. One of his online friends played a different MMORPG, it was a strange cartoony feeling game called World of Warcraft. His friend introduced him to the game and he liked it more than Final Fantasy. As he played it, my work schedual changed, allowing me to play games more frequently. I picked up a copy and rolled a warrior on a PvP server and was ganked constantly. This made me hate my enemies, it also caused me to roll a new character on a PvE server. We do not talk about PvE servers now. Shortly after I moved again and had no internet and stoped playing.

Phase 2: The second time I picked up the game was when my brother-in-law (Whipples) started playing. He had discovered this amazing thing called twinking. This is where you level a character to a certain “bracket” (10, 19, 29, 39 and so on,) and get them the best possible gear in the game. I liked this idea, and I chose to make a shaman, Whipples had a hunter. We leveled these to 19, then to 29. Twinking along the way. I soon realised this was expensive, and I started using the AH to build wealth. I got up to about 1,000g, starting with a few lucky drops and then buying and selling stuff. About then the Burning Crusade came out, we heard tales of “Daily Quests” and all the money to be made. We then decided to create mains, and a guild. We thought we were being funny and used the guild name “Schiavos Vegetables” and name ourselves after vegetables. To better suit these names we chose Tauren as our race he was Carrot and I was Cuccumber. Later on the guild name was forcibly changed to “Carrot’s Guild.” My name was flagged for a rename, now my hunter is known as Capsicum. We started a new guild and got on with our leveling. Work once again got in my way.. I was swindled out of $1,000 and the guy I was working for skipped town. I got back to playing again, my hunter at level 55, Carrot at 60.

Phase 3: I was trying to catch up to Carrots 5 level advantage. It was impossible. After a while, I finaly hit 70, that was when I was invited into a guild that raided. The OP BM huntard that I was, could top the dps charts without gems chants or even a main hand weapon. [Hellboar’s Carving Blade] was all I ever needed. I showed up for all the raids I could, had a blast, Then went back to getting all the best gear I could for my twinks. Never even thinking for a moment that my hunter was in disarray. Then our guild mad a raiding breakthrough. The guild officers merged us with Pango Honoratus, I then got to see really big dps numbers, so gemmed and enchanted my gear. We killed things and time went on. Wrath of the Lich King was released, and we killed more things. Then through a tragic sequence of events, my friends convinced me to stop playing WoW, and go do real world things with them. I practically missed ulduar because of this.

Phase 4: I started playing again for the last time. I was still a bad hunter, but I tried hard. I got gear, got rid of my carving blade, leveled my professions, and pulled my head out of my ass. J/k the carving blade was gone a while before I came back. I had to catch up to remind people why I was still in the guild. This took some doing on my part but with twinking dead there were no distractions. I now feel I’m not quite the noob I once was, but there is always room for improvement. Phase 4 was undoubtably the phase I saw the most growth in, however, the other phases were what made this possible.

With the terribad player in me mostly defeated I’ll see where Cataclysm takes things. In closing don’t judge noobs too harshly, kill all alliance, and go roll a Troll Druid!

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